'Bachelor Chef'

Bravo (the TV channel) has an entertaining reality cooking show called ‘Top Chef’, which I have been watching for the last 2 years.  I thought it would be funny to do a parody of Top Chef, which would be called something like ‘Bachelor Chef’.  The contestants, instead of being accomplished chefs (as in the actual show), would be a few single guys that are, like many single guys, pretty inexperienced with cooking foods that require any preparation beyond reheating, opening cans, or microwaving.  I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve mastered the art of baking a potato (this only took 5 or 6 tries), so I’d put my own skills a notch above this level.

For my imaginary show, I’ve taken the liberty of borrowing the format of ‘Top Chef’, as well as the liberty of also borrowing their judges:  Tom Colicchio,  Gail Simmons, and Padma Lakshmi.  For those who don’t watch the show, Tom is an accomplished chef and the head judge, Gail is a food critic for Food & Wine magazine, and Padma is a cookbook author and an actress who serves as the show’s host.

Here’s how the show might play out:

The camera cuts to the three contestants for introductions.

ED:  Hi, my name’s Ed, and I’m from San Diego.  I’m an engineer at Qualcomm.  I’m real good at following protocols and procedures, so I’m kind of a natural at following recipes.  I’ve also learned a thing or two about cooking terminology, which I think will come in handy when it comes to putting a ‘spin’ on my dishes. 

TYLER:  I’m Tyler, I’m a college student, and I’m here representing my boys in Tempe at ASU.  I’ve been told by the other guys in my dorm that I’m a good cook, so I’m looking forward to stepping up and BALLING in a real kitchen.  I think I’m the dude to beat.

HANK: Whatever.  My name’s Hank, I’m from LA, and I’m just a regular single guy, live with a roommate in a place up in Encino, and I’ve got a black lab named Tyler.  Bit of a coincidence there.  I’m not what you would call a ‘chef’, but I am fluent in French, which has to count for something.  Sometimes I make a meal that doesn’t turn out too well, and when that happens I give it to Tyler, so maybe I’ll do the same thing here.

Cut to Top Chef kitchen.  The contestants are lined up behind a food prep table.  Padma enters, along with Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons.

PADMA (smiling broadly):  Hello everyone, I’d like to welcome you to the premiere of ‘Bachelor Chef’.  As you know, on ‘Top Chef’ we eliminate a single contestant every week until we determine a winner. This show, however, will be unique.  Due to the limited skill set of our ‘chefs’, as well as the general distaste that the judges have in taking part in this sorry exhibition, we will choose a winner based on the outcome of a single challenge.  The winner will take home a fabulous set of prizes:  a new Black & Decker toaster oven, a used microwave oven from our staff lounge, and a bulk set of Dixie paper plates and plastic cutlery.  Additionally, he will receive a coupon good for a free Big Mac and fries, courtesy of McDonald’s. 

Camera shows the contestants smiling and fist-bumping. 

PADMA:  Well, I know you’re looking forward to starting, and the judges are looking forward to getting this over with, so let’s get right to it.  Your challenge today is very simple: to produce a main entrée of your choice, using any ingredients you can find.  Our kitchen is well stocked and you have 30 minutes.  Your time starts….NOW!

The contestants stand frozen in place, frantically scanning the large kitchen.  Hank and Ed simultaneously run for the refrigerator.  Tyler thinks for a few moments, then walks casually out the kitchen door.  The camera pans back to Hank and Ed fighting over a small package.  Hank wins and lets out a victory yelp as Ed curses and runs to the freezer.   Ed grabs something from the freezer, tears open a package, and runs back into the kitchen.

ED: Is there a toaster oven in here? WHERE’S THE TOASTER OVEN???  Crap.

Camera cuts to contestant close-ups:

ED:  After I lost the battle for the hot dogs, I was kind of searching for an idea, and then it just kind of hit me:  FISH STICKS!  They had some in the freezer, but I couldn’t find a toaster oven, so I bit the bullet and threw them into a chef’s oven.  The oven’s definitely bigger than what I’m used to cooking with, but I’ve made a lot of fish sticks and I’m good with math, so I just adjusted the temperature a little.  I think the added space will allow the fish to ‘breathe’ and really bring out their flavor.

HANK: I was pretty excited about finding the hot dogs.  I found a pot and a stove top and the water’s boiling right now.  I should have enough time, just need to find some fresh buns, mustard and relish.  And ketchup! I think that a nice Hunt’s ketchup would work well to balance the acidity in the mustard.  Or is it the other way around?  Whatever.  I have no idea where Tyler went.  It’s like he just freaked out and left.

Camera pans to kitchen clock.  As it counts down towards zero, Padma reenters the kitchen.

PADMA: 30 seconds!

HANK:  OK, I’m plating the hot dogs now.

ED: WHERE’S THE KETCHUP??? (glances at Hank) Dude, I need that bottle when you’re done.

PADMA:  Hands up, utensils down!

Tyler runs into the kitchen carrying a steaming cardboard box.

PADMA: OK, contestants, please bring your dishes to the judges table.

Camera cuts to the judges’ room.  Padma, Tom, and Gail are seated on one side of a table.  The contestants stand facing them in the middle of the room. 

PADMA:  All right contestants, what have you prepared for us?

HANK: Ahem...I’ve created a filet of beef cigars done two ways, boiled and wrapped in a brioche canapé, topped with a chiffonade of mustard and relish, and a tomato and vinegar paté.  I’ve also given each of you a beer.  Enjoy.

JUDGE TOM COLICCHIO (shaking his head): OK, you’ve made hot dogs in a bun.  You said you made them ‘two ways’ - what’s the second?

HANK:  Well, I tried putting a couple of dogs in the oven instead of boiling them, but they didn’t turn out so well.

TOM:  What happened?

HANK:  I was running low on time, so I set the oven dial to ‘torch’ and closed the door.  There was just a pile of ashes when I opened it again.

TOM:  Next!  

ED:  OK, what I have for you is a lightly breaded, sautéed fruit de mer, with a parsley julienne and a chilled ketchup confit.  You should dip the fruit de mer in the confit.

JUDGE GAIL SIMMONS:  Fish sticks and ketchup?

ED:  I believe that’s the common term, yes.

GAIL (turns to face the camera):  Do we have to eat this?

VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE:  Yes, it’s in your contract.

TYLER:  I've brought you a pizza with tomatoes, olives and pepperoni. 

PADMA: OK. Thank you, contestants.

The contestants watch in silence as the judges eat. 

PADMA:  Chefs, thank you for taking part in this challenge.  We’ve sampled your dishes.  Comments, judges?

GAIL:  Hank, I think your overall vision was good.   The ketchup, mustard, and relish really popped in my mouth.  Unfortunately, the hot dog was rubbery and the beer you chose for your entrée was ‘Keystone Light’.

HANK:  Well, I might have focused a little too much on the saucing.

TOM: Ed, what did you use to sauté the fish sticks?

ED:  I used Pam.  Actually, I used a lot of Pam to make sure that the fish sticks didn’t stick to the aluminum foil. 

TOM: Interesting - that explains my indigestion.  Why did you use aluminum foil?  Why not a pan?

ED (looking incredulous):  If I did that I’d have to clean the pan afterwards.  What’s the point?

TOM:  OK, whatever.  Ed, your fish was actually edible.  Unfortunately, there was a problem with your ‘confit.’

Ed’s eyes widen.

TOM: Your ketchup…..was broken.  How is that possible?

ED (looking at the floor): I may have forgotten to shake the bottle. My bad.

GAIL: Tyler, that pizza was actually quite tasty.  How did you make it in 30 minutes?

TYLER:  I didn’t.  I ordered it from Pizza Hut. 

GAIL: Good thinking.

TYLER:  Can I give someone the receipt?  I'm not paying for this.

The judges confer silently for a few seconds.

PADMA:  Well, I think we have a winner.  Congratulations Tyler, you are the first and last winner of ‘Bachelor Chef’.  The prizes are in the next room.  Now if you’ll excuse us, the judges need to find some Pepto-Bismol.